For many people, sex in an ongoing relationship has a way of becoming a bit routine. Are you concerned because something that was once so charged and passionate has lost a lot of its punch? Are you always searching for new fantasies to keep the fire alive? Well, sensate focus is going to change all of that.
I think that one of the main reasons sex loses its spark is because of the way we all rush through the process. As far as I'm concerned, most people are having sex too darn fast. It seems as though everyone is in such a hurry to get to the point of orgasm that they are missing all of the wonderful things that happen to their body, and to their partner's body, along the way. If you want to make your sex life more exciting and more erotic, I think the very first thing you need to do is stop rushing. And that's where sensate focus comes in.
Sensate focus techniques slow you down. They take you into your body and into your partner's body in ways you have probably neverexperienced before. I think fantasies are wonderful, but fantasies tend to take us out of our bodies and into our heads. Sometimes, I think that can be the wrong direction. Personally, I think that what we really need to enhance our experience of sex is not more fantasy, but a much bigger dose of reality. Sensate focus gives you that reality. It focuses your attention and your energy and lets you appreciate every single erotic nuance of your arousal and your partner's arousal. To me, that's the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Play by the Rules
Before we begin, you need to know the three of sensate focus:
RULE 1: Pay attention to exactly where you are touching or where you are being touched. Try to stay as focused as possible.
RULE 2: Stay in the here and now. Don't think about what happened last week or what could happen next Thursday. Try to let go of anything that is not happening at this very moment.
RULE 3: Don't put any pressure on yourself. If you're working with a partner, don't put any pressure on her either. Sex therapists call this "nondemand interaction." I will call the sensate focus exercises "demand-free" or "pressure-free" exercises. There are no grades here, no good and bad, no right or wrong, just touching and being touched.
Sensate focus techniques slow you down. They take you into your body and into your partner's body in ways you have probably neverexperienced before. I think fantasies are wonderful, but fantasies tend to take us out of our bodies and into our heads. Sometimes, I think that can be the wrong direction. Personally, I think that what we really need to enhance our experience of sex is not more fantasy, but a much bigger dose of reality. Sensate focus gives you that reality. It focuses your attention and your energy and lets you appreciate every single erotic nuance of your arousal and your partner's arousal. To me, that's the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Play by the Rules
Before we begin, you need to know the three of sensate focus:
RULE 1: Pay attention to exactly where you are touching or where you are being touched. Try to stay as focused as possible.
RULE 2: Stay in the here and now. Don't think about what happened last week or what could happen next Thursday. Try to let go of anything that is not happening at this very moment.
RULE 3: Don't put any pressure on yourself. If you're working with a partner, don't put any pressure on her either. Sex therapists call this "nondemand interaction." I will call the sensate focus exercises "demand-free" or "pressure-free" exercises. There are no grades here, no good and bad, no right or wrong, just touching and being touched.
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